It is a scientifically proven fact that 97 percent of all holiday gifts fall into one of three categories: generic ones from our weird relatives we barely know (gee, thanks, an Amazon gift card), deranged novelty items destined for the dustbin (whiskey stones, I’m looking at you), or socks. There’s a reason that the lines to return unwanted flotsam the day after Christmas are even worse than three days earlier, when everyone rushed in to buy it in the first place.
Nevertheless, we do this to ourselves every year because it is very dark and very cold and, historically speaking, a time of madness. Humans have always needed something to carry them through the toughest of months. We eat cookies and exchange gifts. The Romans lit candles, hung wreaths, and sang songs for Saturnalia. The Vikings slaughtered animals for ritual blood sacrifices.
May I make a plea, however, at the end of this doozy of a decade, for better gift-giving—at least for the beer-lover in your life? Our editorial team has pulled together a list of gifts they might actually use, from a shower beer holder to brewery swag that isn’t too cringe-worthy to wear in public. These are all well and good, but if you really want to make someone happy, I would like to propose something a little more aspirational: the Yeti V Series cooler.
This is objectively an insane amount of money to spend on a beer cooler, but hear me out.”
With its sleek, shiny exterior, this Yeti looks like a sexed-up, space-age version of all other coolers. It holds a whopping 46 cans of beer, with double the volume of ice to keep them all icy cold, yet thanks to what I can only assume is some kind of sorcery, its physical footprint is actually smaller than an old-school $350 Yeti. Cast aluminum hinges, a stainless steel body, and a deep-seal drain plug mean it’s leakproof and durable as hell, while vacuum insulated panels allow it to maintain temperature for hours.
The catch, because of course there is one, is that it comes with an $800 price tag. This is objectively an insane amount of money to spend on a beer cooler, but hear me out. This Yeti is guaranteed to induce envy in friends and neighbors, but doesn't scream "midlife crisis" in quite the way that fancy grill or motorcycle does. It’s built to withstand an apocalypse—or the very possible societal descent into chaos and anarchy following the 2020 election. It will keep your beverages nicely chilled when the sea levels start to rise.
Most importantly, it is a reminder that someday it will no longer be frigid outside and you will want to take a bunch of beers to a beach or a barbecue or one of those other fun, sunshiny things that people do. It is a reminder that 2019 is finally, finally ending and there are things to celebrate. Does anyone need an $800 cooler? Of course not, but guys, summer is coming and I, for one, intend to be prepared.